


Almost is Never Enough

by everylosttouch



Series: The World Just Isn't Ready For Us [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Declarations Of Love, Established Relationship, M/M, Relationship Discussions, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/everylosttouch/pseuds/everylosttouch
Summary: Despite everything they had done, every action they tried to keep them from breaking apart, it was made clear in that moment that it was all in vain. It was too late to save them.





	Almost is Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the song "Almost is Never Enough" by Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Sykes.
> 
> No beta-reader, so if there are any errors that's completely my fault. Just point out any errors and I'll change it :)

After 3 years, nothing could have prepared them for this.

It had been three years, three long years of experiences and emotions. They had shared so many memories, so much laughter and happiness.

For a moment, Alec thought everything would work out.

After graduation, they settled in together. Magnus moved in with him and they spent their evenings after work watching television and talking about their days over takeout. It had always seemed to bring a smile to Alec’s face, coming home after a hard day to kiss his boyfriend and revel in his warmth.

_At what point did that stop?_

At what point did the laughter die out? When did the smiles fade and the soft silence become suffocating? When did coming home fill him with more dread than the days he spent out?

When did it all come crashing down?

Neither Alec nor Magnus could ever tell you how it happened. Perhaps it started when Alec became too drained from work to provide active conversations. Perhaps it was the countless times Magnus missed dinner or date night because of an emergency work call. They both could think of a million excuses as to what may have caused it, but there was never a reason that stood out to either of them.

It was never about exes, or cheating, or any problems that Alec’s seen other couples face. This wasn’t like what happened with his parents, nor was it the same as any of Magnus’ fallouts he had over the years. There wasn’t any bitterness or hatred between them, no fighting or yelling, just a slow, sinking realization that things weren’t what they used to be.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Alec had said one sleepless night, eyes trained on the ceiling. He could feel the sinking feeling still present in his chest, like something was weighing him down. The words were quiet and careful, and he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch Magnus’ hand. But he didn’t.

“I don’t want to lose you, either,” Magnus replied, soft enough that Alec almost missed it over the sound of his breathing.

“Then let’s try,” Alec decided. “Let’s try to salvage this.”

Magnus hummed in agreement before the both of them fell into another silence, before the embrace of slumber welcomed them both.

They had both promised to put in the effort to save what they knew was dying. And they did. Magnus came to date nights, and Alec did what he could to contribute to conversations, no matter how long his day had been. They went to social functions, met up with friends and family, and even went to therapy.

For a while, things were looking up. Their efforts were paying off, and Alec remembers how proud he had been when he had heard Magnus laugh for the first time in so long. He could feel his chest blooming when he came home again, whenever he saw Magnus.

When they made love, there were sighs of pleasure and movements of meaning. There were no hollow emotions, just love.

And it made Alec so, so hopeful.

So hopeful that he bought a ring.

He remembered Izzy’s shocked face when he told her he was going to buy a ring. She asked him if he was sure, if he was positive things would work out. He had replied that he was sure, that though they had their ups and downs, that they could get through it. They had before.

She seemed content at that.

And so he bought the ring, a ring that wasn’t as flashy as some of Magnus’ other rings, but enough to show every ounce of love he held for his boyfriend. He carried it with him the rest of that day and hid it in some obscure crevice in their apartment that Magnus wouldn’t bother to check.

It stayed there until the next year, when November faded into early December. Magnus’ birthday was just days away, and Alec thought maybe, just maybe it could be the right time.

They had been dating for almost 3 years.

And yet those three years couldn’t have prepared them for this.

The holidays made everything more hectic. Their personal lives demanded more and more, and after one particular promotion, Alec hardly saw Magnus anymore. The days he did, Magnus would be exhausted, hardly able to sit down for a moment with his boyfriend before his phone would go off again.

Alec understood, for the most part. Work could be demanding, and Magnus’ job meant everything to him. Magnus had made it clear that Alec always was first in his mind, no matter what his job tried to prove otherwise.

And yet, as the days kept pressing forward, that familiar blanket of inevitability came to settle over them again. The world felt like it was turning in slow motion, like reality was suddenly escaping them.

The day before Magnus’ birthday was the hardest day. Magnus had been spent from a long flight from Europe, and they both agreed to settle in and go to bed early.

They didn’t shower together.

They didn’t make love either, despite being apart for almost a week.

Instead they just settled under the covers, with the gentle pattering of rain against the windows of their bedroom. The darkness envelops both of them, with the only light being the faint moonlight. Alec looks up to the ceiling as that same sinking feeling settles in his chest once again. It was just like last year, he thought.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he repeats, calling out into the darkness.

“Neither do I,” Magnus responds, voice filled with drowsiness, but still filled with meaning.

Unlike last year, Alec doesn’t stay still. He turns to Magnus, breathing in that strong sandalwood scent. His arms wrap around Magnus, bringing him closer, feeling the combination of soft skin and hard muscles underneath his fingertips. He breathes in deeply, taking in all of what Magnus had to offer.

“I don’t want to lose you, but I—” Alec cuts himself off, taking a deep breath and nuzzling his face into Magnus’ hair. He squeezes his eyes shut. “We’re back to this again.”

He can hear Magnus swallow thickly.  “That we are.”

Admitting it to each other hurts far worse than any wound Alec has suffered. “We tried everything and yet here we are.”

Magnus hums, his fingertips trailing delicately across Alec’s back. His hands are shaking, and Alec can feel Magnus’ face scrunch up against his chest, trying to will away the tears that threatened to escape. Each touch, each troubled breath only brings Alec closer to tears.

“I love you, Magnus,” he confesses to the air, and Magnus’ grip on his shirt tightens in response. Magnus’ breath shudders, and his shoulders shake. The tears he had held back flow all at once, and a sad, choked sob breaks through Magnus’ lungs. It tears Alec apart; hearing Magnus just fall apart. He can see his vision blurring, and his shaking hands pull Magnus closer.

“I love you,” he repeats, his voice cracking. “I love you so much.”

Magnus brings his head up from where it’s been stationed at Alec’s chest, he breathes in, but it shudders painfully. “I love you too, Alexander Lightwood.” He pulls back to look at Alec’s face, just as tear-stricken and saddened as his is. He presses a gentle hand to Alec’s face. “I love you with all my heart.”

Alec can’t bear looking at Magnus’ saddened expression anymore, so he closes his eyes, pressing his forehead to Magnus’.

“We were so close,” Alec says defeatedly. “But I guess the world just isn’t ready for us yet.”

Magnus lets out a broken huff of saddened laughter. He swallows thickly again. “Maybe one day, it will be.”

“But that day isn’t today, is it?” Alec asks, his eyes opening to look back to Magnus.

Magnus’ meet his gaze for a brief moment before they fall to his chest.

To Alec, that’s the only answer he needs.

“No,” he whispers out. “It’s not.”

Those three words echo in Alec’s mind, repeating on an endless loop. His hands are still shaking, and he only pulls Magnus in again, breathing him in, reveling in his warmth for what feels like the last time.

It’s at this point when his tears flow freely.

And the tears aren’t stray tears, no, they’re flowing rivers of emotions pent up and silenced for too long. It’s the ugly type of tears, the tears he only cares to shed around Magnus.

Magnus cries again too, and they wrap up in each other’s arms, weeping with the rain pattering outside the window. They tell each other how much they love the other, how grateful they are for having someone like them in their lives. They share broken kisses that have every emotion left in their bones.

Neither of them want to let go, but they both know that there’s nothing they can do.

Despite everything they had done, every action they tried to keep them from breaking apart, it was made clear in that moment that it was all in vain. Now there was nothing they could do. They could only cling to the memories they could never replicate, flock to the feelings they could never replace.

“You won’t lose me,” Magnus had whispered at one point when Alec’s eyes felt far too heavy to keep open. They had both cried out all their tears, and now the gentle lulls of sleep started to pull them away.

“You won’t lose me,” he repeated, “you will always have these memories, and my heart. And maybe one day…one day the world will be ready.”

Alec’s bottom lip trembles as Magnus presses one last kiss to his lips.

It’s then that sleep takes him, and that sinking feeling in his chest finally dissipates.

By the next morning, his love is nothing but a dream, the remnants of his love plucked from his home. It feels haunting almost. Magnus is gone, vanished almost without a trace.

The only trace of him left is the ring Alec bought, sitting silently on Magnus’ pillow with a small note underneath.

With shaking hands, Alec opens the letter, a choked sob wracking against his ribs as Magnus’ familiar handwriting traces against the page.

 

_My darling Alexander,_

_I will never forget these nights I spent with you, nor will I forget how much I still love you._

_You have my heart, Alexander, and you always will._

_If I could change the world overnight, there’d be no such thing as goodbye._

_But I can’t._

_Instead, I will hope for the day that the world will finally be ready for us._

 

_To my endless love,_

_Magnus_

 

Alec presses the note to his chest as he curls up under the covers, breathing in the faint smell of sandalwood, the only proof that his last night with Magnus wasn’t a dream.

They were so close. They were almost there.

But ‘almost’ wasn’t enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm addicted to writing angst at this point i swear
> 
> come yell at me and cry over on my [tumblr](https://biconicmagnusbane.tumblr.com/)


End file.
